How to Speak Kindly to Yourself
How we talk to ourselves matters. You may find yourself often engaging in negative self-talk, or that it comes easier to you rather than engaging in positive self-talk. Practicing positive affirmations or speaking kindly towards yourself may seem challenging, but it’s an important skill that greatly benefits your mental health.
Benefits of speaking kindly to yourself
Self-kindness is an essential component to one’s mental health and well-being. Psychologist Dr. Kristen Neff states that those who engage in greater self-kindness and self-compassionate talk, are “less likely to be critical of themselves and less likely to be anxious and depressed, which, in turn, leads to greater life satisfaction.” Being kind, patient, and understanding towards yourself is another way of reminding yourself that you’re human too.
What if I want to stay disciplined and motivated?
Many times negative self-talk has been rebranded as discipline or motivation as a way to excuse poor self-talk towards yourself. Negative self-talk is not discipline nor motivation, rather it tricks your brain into feeling that you have control. In fact, punishment is not as powerful as reinforcement is, making it less productive to be critical of yourself than if you were to practice positive self-talk and kindness towards yourself. Engaging in positive self-talk doesn´t take away your ability to stay motivated, rather, it allows you to be graceful towards yourself in the process of achieving what you want.
Practicing Affirmations and Positive Self-talk.
Become aware of negative self-talk
The first step is to be aware of your own negative self-talk. If you’re not sure if this is something you do, take a second to think if you’re ever self-critical throughout your day. Make a note of when your self-critical thoughts arise. Do they come up in academic settings, social settings, in regards to sports performance, your professional experience, or even your appearance? Notice what you tell yourself in these moments and try to reframe it into an unbiased and understanding perspective of the situation.
Practice with other people.
A good way to practice this is to pretend you are talking to a good friend. Imagine your friend got a score on a test they weren’t hoping for despite studying for days. They might say to themselves “I’m so stupid,” or “I knew I would do bad,” to which you might have recognized their hard work preparing for this test and say, “I know you didn’t get the score you wanted, but I’m proud of you for putting in time and effort towards studying for the exam, and you should be proud of that too.”
This change of perspective is easy to do towards others, so try applying that new perspective towards yourself. You can start by writing down affirmations and eventually practice saying them out loud – no matter how uncomfortable or unnatural it feels. When you become more familiar with speaking kindly about other people, speaking kindly towards yourself becomes easier.
Some affirmations to use.
Whether you have self-doubt about your performance in a game in the future, or you’re mad at yourself for getting a question wrong on a test, here are some affirmations to say to yourself in these moments.
1. I acknowledge and honor my emotions.
It’s common to feel overwhelmed and upset by certain emotions, and it sometimes can feel better when we ignore them. However, we know that suppressing and ignoring our emotions causes more harm than good. An important affirmation to remind yourself is that your emotions are valid and are worth honoring. Recognizing and honoring your emotions leads to a healthy understanding and acceptance of them when they arise.
2. I am worthy of love, happiness, and peace.
It may seem like a basic concept but it’s important to remind ourselves that we are deserving of love and grace, especially from ourselves. When we remind ourselves that we are deserving of these things, they become much easier to practice and permit towards ourselves.
3. I believe in my ability to achieve my dreams.
At times it can feel easy to feel discouraged towards yourself when you don’t do as well as you thought you did, or didn’t meet the expectations you set for yourself. These are normal feelings, and should be acknowledged, but in times like these, it’s important to remind and affirm yourself that there’s no limit to what you can achieve. Believing in yourself is the first step in your journey to what you want to accomplish for yourself.
4. It’s okay to not know everything.
Balancing school, work, extracurricular activities, relationships, and life in general can be overwhelming, and may often feel that you need to know everything or how to go about things. In life, rarely anyone knows everything, and it's okay that you don’t either. Tell yourself it’s okay to not know everything, because it is okay to not know everything. Allow yourself to be okay with not knowing and to ask for help or to give yourself a break when needed. The absence of knowing provides room for growth and knowledge.
Practicing self-compassion and using affirmations takes time to get used to, so here’s a gentle reminder to be patient with yourself in the process. Speaking kindly to yourself equips you to be less self-critical and more understanding towards yourself, paving the way for improved mental health and a greater sense of well-being. Everyone deserves to receive compassion and kindness, let’s include ourselves in the process.
